The Woman Aroused Page 13

  “No, George, the whole thing boils down to this: the headlines and all that, can't be written unless they find me. I don't think anybody saw us, unless they find me, they can't prove it wasn't merely another fight. I believe they're counting on me to make charges, through the ALP, and then when they know who I am, that I was there, then the papers and the powers that be will reverse the whole deal, cry political terrorism and the rest of the phony stories, but making me the thug. Understand”?”

  “A little, although I can't understand why you persist in ruining your life with this fanatical...”

  Eddie said wearily, “George, don't start that.”

  “I won't. Now what happens?”

  “I think it's best I leave town. Happily, I didn't give my real name when I signed up as a volunteer worker. Sign of the fear of our time—we're afraid to give our right name for anything political. Sounds fantastic, but never tell when they'll have one of their so-called 'loyalty checks' for wounded vets and...”

  “That's ridiculous,” I cut in. “Good Lord, there's nothing wrong about electioneering.”

  Eddie smiled at me and lit another cigarette. “Let's not argue the point. If they want to press the frame-up they'll have to find the goat—me. I've been seen around the neighborhood for the last few weeks, but I'm certainly not well known. However, to be on the safe side I'd like to leave town. I was thinking of southern California—the cold weather bothers my wound a little. I could have my pension sent there, live on that. Might take a little time, the delay, but perhaps Flo would lend me enough to get by on till then.” He paused, added in a whisper, “Know what I'd like to do? Go to Italy.”

  “Why Italy?”

  “America, my homeland, frightens me, makes me restless... I can't seem to settle down here.”

  “And you could in Italy, of all places?” I asked.

  Eddie looked at me, his thin face thoughtful. “George, I'm going to tell you a secret, something that sounds wonderful and horrible at the same time. There's a little village below Naples, a smelly, backward, little place. When my outfit was there, back on a lonely country farm there was a... young girl... and... Oh, hell, I went with her for a couple bars of candy. I know you can't understand how I could do that, or the hunger that made her do it. Anyway, it started on that basis. She was young, about fifteen, probably can't even read or write. I spent several nights with her, and it turned into something beautiful, very pure—for both of us. I guess in the years since, it has been magnified in my mind. I'm not sure. But I look back on that as the only serenity, true happiness, I've ever known.”

  “Forget it, you're chasing a dream,” I said, thinking of Lee, wondering with a great deal of envy about the experiences men like Eddie and Hank had gone through that tied them with Europe, with the women... even the backward ones.

  “I can't forget her,” Eddie said. “I even send her food and CARE packages now and then. Of course she promised to wait for me and all that, but...”

  “She's probably whoring now.”

  “So what!” he said fiercely. “If she is, I'm responsible for that. She's still young, that can be changed too. But I don't think she is, not out on that lonely farm. No, but she may be married. You know it was only after Germany, since I've been home, that I realized how much I care for her, what those nights meant. Life moves slowly there, like stepping backward into time. But Italy is on the move, I could be a part of that too, help.”

  “That farm life would bore hell out of you.”

  “Would it? George, what's happening to us here. Nobody can live without rooking the next person. Take this Porto Rican, a poor man—you've never seen the slums of Spanish Harlem—but think what we've done to this man. His ancestors lived in a tropical island paradise, but to make a fast buck, we made that a hell-hole, a slum so bad they flee to the slums of Harlem. And this man, he's become so perverted that for a miserable few bucks he's ready to kill, sell out something that would help his people—all people. Sell out such basic things as decent houses and wages, schools for his kids. The fast buck perverts us all, makes us animals stepping on each other's back, as if we lived in a jungle.”

  “It's not that bad, kid. Don't forget, most of us lead rather decent, normal lives,” I said, trying to think: it was so important Eddie find himself—but quickly.

  He shook his head. “No, it's only that some of the perversion is smoothed over with a veneer of high living. We merely shut our eyes. Those concentration camps I saw—certainly the height of human perversion—yet there were many Germans living what you call the 'decent' life of good living, of comfortable apartments, books, and shows. I can't say this as clearly as I feel it, George, put it in the right words.”

  “Eddie, you've been through a lot and...”

  “And I'm still not 'readjusted' to civilian life?” he asked harshly. “Crap!”

  “Listen to me, Eddie. You said before I was naive. Suppose it turns out you're the naive one? Wait—I understand a little of what you're trying to say. I don't agree with it all, but then I haven't been through the things you have. But I agree you ought to leave here, perhaps after thinking things over, you'll settle down, see things differently. After all, nothing is perfect. The point is, can you live in Italy, receive your pension there?”

  “Yes. I could live very well on the money. But the expense of getting there, waiting till my checks come through, that makes it out of the question.”

  “Suppose you find this girl has changed or married? I mean could you stand the shock, the disillusionment, if there should be any?” I asked.

  “Let's not talk fairy tales,” Eddie said. “I'd need about six hundred dollars. Flo, or my folks, wouldn't lend me that in a million years.”

  “How long would it take you to leave?”

  “Passport should take a few weeks. But why talk about it? Why if I could have done it, I would have gone back a long....”

  As I've said, I really liked Eddie and now I couldn't help but make the grand gesture. While he talked I wrote a check for one thousand dollars. True, I was giving away Lee's money, but in some way I didn't try to figure out, it was all the same thing. Eddie, Lee, even the money for that matter, were in a sense all the result of the war.

  He stared at the check, looked up at me with astonishment—all of which I enjoyed to the hilt. “George... this...?”

  “Call it a loan and don't worry about ever paying me back,” I said. “I've been... lucky with the ponies lately. I can afford k. Only best you keep it quiet, you know your folks, and Flo.”

  “But a thousand....”

  I stood up. “You want to get out of town, you want to see this girl, well, do it in style and that check is your magic carpet. Rest up and tomorrow start working on your passport and passage. Trip will do you good, even if you come back within a few months. And if your shoulder bothers you, see a doctor tomorrow, and no excuses.”

  He went through the routine of thanking me from the bottom of his heart and all that.

  Seventeen days later on a cold windy afternoon, Eddie sailed—with only Flo and myself to see him off. I'd watched the papers carefully but didn't see any report of a murder on East 107th Street. But at the boat, as Flo was making a point of ignoring me and Eddie was trying to smooth things over, he whispered in my ear, “I heard the fellow died.”

  “How did you hear?”

  “Never mind how, it wasn't directly. Could be gossip, grossly distorted, but that's what I heard.”

  “Well, don't let it upset you,” I said, quite upset myself.

  “I won't. I wasn't upset when I killed Nazi soldiers, either,” Eddie whispered.

  Flo, who was sitting on his bunk in a stunning outfit and drinking the champagne I'd brought for the occasion, said, “Stop whispering like a couple of ham movie characters. What are you two, conspirators?”

  “Yes!” I said, although she couldn't know how clever I thought my answer was.

  When the ship sailed I said I'd take Flo home in a cab and she said she'd
get her own. I stepped into her cab before she could push out. There had been some sort of farewell party at her folks' house, but Eddie had insisted that only Flo go down to the boat with him. I don't know if he did this in an effort to get us together, or it was all an accident. His family didn't like the idea of Eddie going off to Italy.

  Now I looked at Flo sitting as far from me as possible on the wide cab seat. She looked very clean, cool, sleek, and yes—chic. Or maybe it was all in contrast to Lee's sloppy languor. For several minutes we didn't talk, then she asked, “Is Eddie in any trouble? I don't believe that corny story he was hurt falling down a flight of steps.”

  “Not that I know of,” I lied. “This fling will be good for him. Living abroad for a while will help him settle down, which is also pretty corny. But leave the kid straighten himself out.”

  “But this sudden rush to Italy. I don't know where he got the money from,” Flo said.

  “Probably saved it, you know how simply he lives. Besides, over there his pension will go farther.”

  There was another pause, then looking out of the window she asked, “Is that... that creature still living with you?”

  “Yes.”

  “You goddamned bastard!” Flo said and began to cry. I moved over and took her in my arms. There was a small struggle. I kissed her and she kissed me back with such vigor my lips hurt. We hadn't kissed like that since before we were married. She kissed me again and again, her thin body trembling. She began talking in my ear, rapidly, almost hysterically. “George! Oh, George, I need you! I want you. I've been so miserable... nervous. Why did you do this to me? Why! Oh George, hold me tighter... I'm so ashamed... for the first time in my life I feel brazen... like a slut. Oh, you don't know what I've been through. I tried going out with other men but... somehow... I don't know... I just couldn't bring myself to... George, you're the only man I ever had. I suppose we've both been to blame, I know I haven't been as understanding... I even went to a doctor, I couldn't sleep. He was so frank, told me point blank I needed a man... George!”

  I kissed her, held her tightly, tried to tell her it was all one of these things, that I really wasn't happy with Lee, and stuff like that. Of course I couldn't tell her too much about Lee.

  “Why don't you get rid of her?” Flo asked.

  “I wish I could.”

  Flo pulled out of my embrace. She had stopped crying by the time the cab reached her place. Outside the cab, I said I'd see her to her door and said that wasn't necessary, and outside her door I asked her to ask me in. She said no, started to cry again, and I whispered, “Don't make a scene in the hallway.” I took her keys and unlocked the door and once inside I held her in my arms and she kept sobbing, “I'm so ashamed... ashamed...”

  “Of what?” I asked, running my hands over her body as if we were a couple of kids. I wanted her as I hadn't wanted her in years.

  I fooled with her dress and she whispered, “The zipper is on the other side.”

  We lay in bed and she jabbered as in the old days, telling me all the petty things that had happened in her office, the gossip of her friends... and it was good to be with a girl who could jabber, make small talk, who was alive and full of nerves and tension.

  As I was leaving, Flo was her old caustic self, and she said, “You know this was all an accident, doesn't change anything between us. I still hate you. Now run home to that overgrown bag.”

  “Darling,” I told her, “we have our little heights, but the rest of our life seems to run on a low level. If we made a graph of...”

  “Stop it. She can't be giving you any paradise, I never saw you so...”

  “Sweetheart, I never denied loving you... in my own way, to be trite,” I said. “In fact we both love each other madly—in our own little ways. I enjoyed this afternoon... and I think you did too.”

  We were standing by the door and she drew her robe around her tighter, said, “I feel like a... whore.”

  “You're a lovely whore.”

  “Don't get any ideas—this doesn't mean you can come here anytime you like and...”

  I pinched her cheek, opened her robe and fondled her breast, said, “I know dear,” and as I unlocked the door, added, “I'll only come when the good doctor prescribes me.”

  I walked out in fine spirits—the battling Jacksons sparring again. But as I took a cab uptown I felt very tired, tired of people. I longed for the pleasures of living alone, not worrying about anybody's troubles but my own. I wanted to go when and where I felt like, do whatever I was in the mood for. I wanted to read my Times over a cocktail, enjoy the peace and quiet of having my apartment to myself. I suddenly knew I was sick and tired of Lee, wished I could get rid of her as simply as I had left Flo. Actually Lee was n6 more trouble around the house than a big cat, only not as clean, but I was fed up, bored with her simplicity. But getting rid of her wasn't going to be simple. Where could she go?

  By the time I reached my place I was very sorry for poor Lee, and even more sorry for poor me.

  Chapter 6

  THE DESIRE to get rid of Lee grew on me. It wasn't anything she did, she was still around the house like a stick of furniture, demanding only that I feed her and give her the weekly hundred dollars, which she hid. As a matter of fact, if I had been as clever as I thought I was, I would have been content to let her stay, for she didn't restrict my life too much: she was a stick of furniture you could dress up and take to night clubs and dance recitals... and also sleep with, if I wished. Still I longed to return to my old single routine, longed to the extent a pregnant woman suddenly gets a mad desire for some silly thing, like a certain type of candy, or unusual food.

  I was pretty busy at the office and never did get around to advertising in the German papers for her family—if any. And that would be a long-range solution, anyway. The truth is, I let matters slide. I tried staying away from the house, except to come home to feed Lee. I began having my pre-supper cocktail again at the little bars in East midtown, then I'd go home and either make supper, or take Lee out to a neighborhood restaurant: the Hungarian place on the corner, or one of the French restaurants on Lexington Avenue. Then I would leave, make the rounds with Joe, maybe spend the night in the Turkish baths.

  Lee didn't mind.

  I was bored to tears with Lee and her personal untidiness annoyed the hell out of me. I had almost two thousand of her money left, and I thought about getting her room and board, in the country, sending her a few bucks every week. But that would still tie her to me and I wanted a clean break, and there wasn't any way of doing that except to throw her out—in which case she would probably end up in an institution. I couldn't stomach that; aside from all the humane reasons, she would certainly tell them about me and the very thought of scandal made me ill. Which was odd, for I didn't have any relations in town, or friends who would know or care, outside of the people in the office. Yet this great fear we have of that mysterious and all powerful common-denominator—“they!' “What will they say?” kept me from doing anything. And yet I had to do something, get out of this mess.

  It was funny how things balanced: before, I had been on top of the world (or so I thought—sincerely) and felt sorry for poor Joe; now Joe was riding high. He was pretty secretive about it all, but Walt was in some sort of racket with a numbers banker. What Joe did beside let them use his apartment during the day, I didn't know, but he had extra money—fifty this week, a hundred the next, and was quite pleased with himself. As he said, “My kid is smart as a whip. When he was younger I thought he was a bit dopey, reading all the time, and so quiet. But he's no blip, no telling how high he'll go and old Joe is going to tag along. What the hell, got to look after my boy.”

  Except for supper with Lee, and coming home most nights to spend the night with her, I was about back to my old routine, and I suppose things would have stayed at that level for a long time, if Lee hadn't brought our relationship to a climax one night.

  It was about a month after Eddie had sailed, and the day I received a secon
d letter from him—a very enthusiastic note about living with his girl in Naples, although he didn't say anything about being married. But he sounded very happy. I left the office at five, took a cab to a cocktail room near Beekman Place, where I had a few as I glanced over the morning paper, reread Eddie's letter carefully. There was more news than usual in the paper, and it was nearly eight when I reached the house.

  It was cold out and Lee had a heavy robe on. She said, “George, I am very hungry.”

  “Sorry I was late,” I said, taking off my coat, going to the kitchen. Slob was wailing and I said, “Okay, you're hungry too. Hold up a minute and you'll both get something to eat.”

  I'd brought in liver and frozen vegetables and beer, and as I cooked, Lee stood in the doorway, smoking a cigarette, watching me. Then she went to get an opener for the beer. I was annoyed that I was late, and damn tired of being her persona! maid. I said, “Leave the beer alone. And get dressed. Comb your hair and wash your face. I don't like you sitting at the table unwashed.”